then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
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It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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