she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
