Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
