He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
