this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
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Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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