Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
