The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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