i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
