Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
