Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
