If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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