I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
