So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Say something about gay babies.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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