I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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