So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
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The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
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My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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