Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
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By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
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Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street