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Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
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