i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Randomize
