She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
