I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
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You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
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I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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