Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
