I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
