I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
