He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
