I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
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puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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