My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
