When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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