I wish my penis had an off switch
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
