Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
