I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
