Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
