Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
