It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Randomize
