Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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