It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Randomize
