Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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