So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
