if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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