Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
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