My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
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