DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
I just cut my nipple shaving
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
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