does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
