We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
