Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
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Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
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Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
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