we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
