i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
