Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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