I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
