On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
