Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
