I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Mom said you looked used
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
