Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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