see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
