the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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