There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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