I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
you never un-have a 4some
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
