I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
