Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
