Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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